I was recently reading a book by Angela Duckworth that had an interesting concept called the Hard Thing Rule. Before I get to that, here is Duckworth’s bio: Angela Lee Duckworth is an American academic, …
Family is extremely important! Many worth while things in life require work to keep it healthy and happy – family is no different. Unfortunately too many take their family for granted. Secondly, some of the …
I was recently reading a book by Angela Duckworth that had an interesting concept called the Hard Thing Rule.
Before I get to that, here is Duckworth’s bio: Angela Lee Duckworth is an American academic, psychologist and popular science author. She is the Christopher H. Browne Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, where she studies grit and self-control.
So what about that Hard Thing Rule for parents?
She notes the Hard Thing Rule has 3 parts. The first is that everyone – including mom and dad has to do a hard thing. A hard thing is something that requires daily deliberate practice. She practices yoga. Dad runs. The second part – You can quit. But you can’t quit until the season is over, the tuition payment is up, or some other “natural” stopping point has arrived. In other words you can’t quit when the teacher or coach yells at you, or you lose a race, etc… You can’t quit on a bad day. Finally, you get to pick your Hard Thing and no one else gets to choose it for you.
As I read about this I felt it had merit. How many times have we seen parents living through their kids in some activity that the kid has no desire to be a part of. And worse, is berated if they mention quitting or show a lack of desire. On the other hand, there are those that allow their kids to quit when the going gets tough, creating a society that would never make it through another great depression when shear grit and determination were the keys of the day.
I’m thankful that my parents practiced the Hard Thing Rule long before it was a thing. I give them credit for my grit and determination that has led to my Walter Mitty life that you can read about here. I believe that the Hard Rule Thing is something all kids and parents could benefit from.
Seriously parents, when is the last time you took on something that was seriously HARD as an example of grit and determination for your kids?
Me? I ran 72 miles in a 48 hour endurance race. Leave yours in the comments.
Most know that men and women are wired differently! It’s unfair to hope the other will just guess what you’re thinking or wanting. So, in this post I thought I’d take the guesswork out of things when it comes to what your man may be thinking and wanting from you but is not telling you.
While you can find many lists and varying thought, this list from verywellmind.com is pretty solid.
Here is the summary version and I’ll leave a link for the full version at the end.
10 Things Men Want From Their Wives:
Belief in his capabilities
Appreciation and affirmation
Maybe you already knew many of these but just needed a reminder.
Family is extremely important! Many worth while things in life require work to keep it healthy and happy – family is no different. Unfortunately too many take their family for granted. Secondly, some of the things we do as families may not be the best for creating strong and healthy families.
I recently read an article at crosswalk.com that I thought you might benefit from.
Here are the 10 Ways to Build a Healthy and Happy Family in a condensed form.
Express affirmation, warmth, and encouragement.
Build healthy morals and values.
Discipline with consistency.
Ruthlessly eliminate stress.
Love your spouse.
Remember that the best things in life aren’t things.
While we may not want to admit it but marriage is work. If you want a healthy marriage. You need to be continually working on your relationship to make it better. Otherwise you may begin to take one another for granted.
Something that I have found to work to help keep my marriage healthy is to constantly ask, “Would I do this if we were still dating and I wanted her to marry me?” Do I still open doors, say thank you, clean the house, make the bed, go on dates, etc…
Continually working on your marriage will usually bring a lot of value to your relationship. In fact if you can get to the point that these become habits maybe all the better.
Marriage Dynamics seems to agree with many of my thoughts and developed 12 habits for a better marriage. Check these out and see how many you can apply to yours, I find number 6 one often overlooked…
12 Ways to Build a Strong Marriage Relationship:
Always answer the phone when your
spouse is calling. And, when possible, keep your phones turned off when
you’re spending quality time together.
This sounds simple, but it is one of the most challenging parts of a
marriage relationship for many. On the flip side, when you’ve made a
mistake, admit it and humbly ask for forgiveness.
Surround yourself with friends who
will strengthen your marriage. Don’t spend time with people who will
tear down your marriage or may even tempt you to compromise your
Keep communication lines open. Don’t
assume you know what your spouse is thinking or feeling. Ask them, and
listen attentively when they are talking.
Join a thriving community of faith. A
good church and regular fellowship with other believers can make a huge
difference in your lives.
Pick your battles. Don’t waste time
on nitpicking. If you believe the issue is truly important, discuss it
in a respectful way with your spouse.
PRAY together. It is one of the most intimate acts a couple can experience together, and it will strengthen your bond.
Try to be the biggest servant in the
house. Don’t keep score of how well your spouse is serving you. Instead,
ask yourself how you can better serve your spouse.
Remember that your spouse can never
meet all of your needs—they were not designed for that. Look to God as
your source of satisfaction, and build friendships with others who will
support your marriage.
Keep in mind that you don’t always
need to offer solutions for your spouse’s problems. Sometimes a hug and a
listening ear communicate more love than your advice.
Remember that even in a strong
marriage, it is rare that both spouses are feeling strong at the same
time. It’s normal for husband and wife to take turns being strong for
each other in the moments when the other feels weak.
This 48 hour race was part of my 100 mile endurance quest part 3!
Bottom Line: 72 miles accomplished – personal record. 100 mile goal still in play!
Here’s the skinny if you want the details!
Woke up early Friday morning for the 2 hour drive to Alabaster, Alabama, for a 9am. start time. Don’t overlook getting up early when you’re entering a 48 hour race where there will be little sleep! My intent early on was never to stay the entire 48 hours but that was the only option offered where I thought I could reach my 100 mile goal – which proved to be elusive. Plan was to get the 100 if I were capable and call it. Wishful thinking as you’ll soon find out.
Felt like I had taken the correct preventive measures to avoid the shortfalls of the Merrill’s Mile back in July. Thanks to Jacob we now had a canopy and yes it would later rain! Can’t have nothing! Jacob was a willing participant to enter this with me being a Marine and Triathlete with some pretty good accomplishments of his own in endurance racing. He would enter the 24 hour event. He too had a goal in mind that shouldn’t take take the entire time to complete. While usually running solo (not knowing anyone), having someone I knew was a big boost.
With a quick blast of a loud air horn the race started. Of course some took off like superstars while others knew the grind of endurance racing and started with a slow slog. I had never seen the 1 mile loop course before. Reason I thought I MIGHT achieve my 100 miles was the course was advertised as flat. Our first lap would prove that false advertising. I would estimate that 1/3 was a slow grinding hill. 1/3 of a mile is a long way to go up a small hill for hours and hours. When I saw that, I realized immediately that my 100 mile goal was in question. I thought about all those early mornings training with a goal in mind. I thought about all my long runs each week that were usually 20 miles. Now for those that are posers like me in the running world, 20 mile runs take a few minutes. So I’m also thinking about all the hours spent in training to realize the 100 probably wasn’t going to happen – and know it on the first lap!
All in all this is part of the mental game of endurance racing. Being strong mentally. You know when you start, at some point you’re going to suffer. The winner is usually the one that is willing to suffer the most, be it in training,the race day or both.
The course was beautiful, offering a lot to take your mind off what you know is coming – suffering! The highlight for me was the dog park. The course was in Veterans Park. Each lap during the daylight hours I looked forward to watching the dogs be dogs as I ran by. Then there was a huge fountain in the middle of a pond. While these sound simple, they help when you’re on the same course hour after hour.
Now to the strategy aspect of endurance racing. Strategy is a huge part. You must determine when to run, walk, jog, shuffle, sleep and eat. Nutrition is key to the success of the others. You must take in calories. Problem is your GI tract is not accustomed to bouncing up and down for hours on end. Many good racers have DNF’d (did not finish) due to nutrition issues – think throwing up for hours on end. So you want to practice with what you’ll eat on race day so there are no surprises. Wish I had followed my own advice…
I like to drink my calories with a product called Tailwind (Berry flavor). I like it mixed 2-3 scoops in my handheld water bottle. But the race would be providing Tailwind so one less thing to carry and buy – it’s not cheap! Say it with me, “MISTAKE!” I did not like the flavor, it mix mine over what the directions suggest. . The food that day never looked appealing so I got hungry. Solution? My wife Julie brought the best tasting chicken, egg and cheese bagel from Chic-fil-a that you could imagine. Then for lunch my son in law, Seth, came to the rescue with a Big Mac, cheeseburger and a large sweet tea! It was magical!
Don’t hear what I’m not saying… The aid station was number one. Lots of selection, people cooking constantly, well stocked – It just wasn’t clicking for me – totally a personal thing. The people and food were number one!
Now for the race itself… Started with my usual walk off the starting line – I mean I’m going to be out there for 30 hours and no need to show off early – I’ll save that for later of course! Then I move into my walk/run for hours throughout the day hoping the lactic acid in my thighs would hold off for as long as possible. You generally want to bank miles during the day while there is light, which is what I did. It’s important to stick to your strategy realizing your limitations for the long haul. As you watch the younger runners go by you wonder if they realize it’s a long race. Ton’s of people get beat late in the race because they started too fast. But then there are the superstars that can actually run much of the race – problem is, when people go by you don’t know which they are. So you stick to your own strategy. I’m one of those that know my limitations and race against myself trying to get personal bests each time. Which sometimes happens and sometimes not. Things pretty much went as planned. Banked miles in the day. But then night comes. And night is another beast within itself mentally for endurance racers. If you’ve banked miles for 12-13 hours you’re now tired. Then darkness sets in bringing with it in the early hours – sleepiness. Now you need to factor in how much sleep you need while remembering that you’re still racing even if your pace is down to a grinding shuffle, while the lactic acid wants to explode out of your quads. So this also means there are fewer people on the course at night. There were times between 2-3am where I was the only one that I could see on the course. Night proved to be cold, lonely and painful. The slow grind of the hill was now causing a ton of pain in not only my quads but now my hamstrings. I rarely have hamstring pain in flat races but the hill said otherwise. Grind, grind, grind. You just have to keep grinding out the miles.
Once I reached 50 I told myself that I was now half way to my goal – how insane is that? I’ve gone 50 miles and I have that many left to go. At that point I started doing the math and realized 100 miles was going to take way longer than I had anticipated on this course. Eventually the reality set in that it wasn’t going to happen. In fact now I had to determine if I could set a personal record to go past 70 miles. Grind, grind, grind. I had to just keep grinding the miles which included that stupid hill! The hill had become my nemesis! And honestly, if you went there today and saw it, you’d think no big deal and quit your whining!
During the night I slept maybe 45 minutes total in segments. And to say I slept is a stretch, I closed my eyes. But then I began to think about seeing my wife Julie and my daughter, Katelyn. They would be racing in the 6 hour race that started at 9am on Saturday. There is something awesome about watching the sunrise after being up all night racing. It brings new life. Unfortunately the morning proved to be overcast which meant it was darker longer! Again, can’t have nothing! Oh, and let’s add that the morning light brought it’s friend rain along with it. So now, you’re mentally and physically tired, cold, legs are stuffed with lactic acid to the max, and now it’s raining. Rain is great friends with chaffing and blisters.
At this point my family didn’t want me staying the full 48 hours and driving myself home for 2 hours which was smart on their part. At this point I knew that I had until 3pm to reach my personal record of 70 miles. That means I’d be racing from 9am the previous day until 3 pm the next. Makes me tired thinking about it! There were times when I was wondering if I could even beat 70 miles with that stupid hill but I eventually did! I did it in the less time allotted, collected my finisher medal and crawled into my car to rest until Julie and Katelyn finished. I did not want to take another step. I was done! But I had accomplished one of my goals and left the illusive 100 on the table for another day.
Overall a fun time had by all but let me explain in closing. I find it important to set physical goals. I’m not that superstar runner, I’m a hack at best. But it keeps me active. It reminds me that our minds are incredible machines created by God and will allow us to do more than we ever thought. Endurance racing is a mental thing. Your body is capable of way more than you give it credit for at any age if you’ve taken care of it.
Then there is suffering. Suffering is not necessarily a bad thing. We can learn a lot about ourselves while suffering. We can see what we’re really made of. We can see how mentally tough we really are. There are a lot of positive things that happen because of suffering. I think we grow stronger through suffering in many different ways but most importantly mentally. When you toe the line in endurance racing you know you’re going to suffer. The only question is when.
So here we are again! After running 70 miles at Merrill’s Mile in less than 24 hours, I felt that scratched the 100 mile itch. Riding home day of race I wondered why I keep doing this. I actually feel it was my lactic acid filled quads talking. Wow did they hurt!
But by the afternoon I was deciding what the next race would be. After a lot of ciphering I decided on a 36 hour race. I feel I need a little more than 24 hours to get the 100 in. If I’m capable at all – let’s not stick our head in the sand on that possibility.
So I have entered a 48 hour endurance race because I couldn’t find a 36 hour race. Now I need a strategy… My original goal, that remains, is to do a point to point 100 miler verses the 100 in a 1 mile circular trail as is this race. The reason I have chosen the circular is to test my time as there are no cut off times like there will be in the point to point.
Now for my strategy quandary… Run this 100 miler to see how long it takes to reach 100 and call it a day but not be competitive in the 48 hour race. Run the 100 fast and you have nothing left for the total 48 hour race but you meet the 100 mile goal.
Remember, the last time I ran 100 miles was never! The last time I ran for 36-48 hours was never. So all the strategy talk may be for naught and I have to face that. But that’s what this has always been about. What is my body still capable of at 57 years old?
Now for those unfamiliar with endurance racing at this level, specifically this race:
This will be a 1 mile circular trail.
You will run, walk, hike throughout the race. But remember you’re racing. People seem to want to tear you down when you tell them, yes we walk some, but then I ask them if they’ve ever WALKED 100 miles – seems to calm them down and put it into perspective! (In the South this is known as Shut Up Juice)
You will sleep very little if any throughout the entire race.
Nutrition is key. Your GI tract is shaken for hours and upset stomachs are common. You can be in the best shape of your life and it means nothing if you’re on the side of the trail throwing up.
Blistering and chaffing are the enemy.
In this format camaraderie is common. You’re running with people for 2 days for crying out loud. We encourage one another. I’ll start at 9am on a Friday and end at 9am on Sunday.
When night falls, those early hours are hard, but the sunrise will bring new life.
Much of long distance running is mental. Seriously, your body is capable of incredible things when you test it. Most people just never test it.
Most of my nutrition early on will be liquid with food coming later in the race.
At these times and distances there usually aren’t many entrants. These aren’t distance that you just decide I think I’ll try to run 100 miles. That means those that show up are usually good runners and competitors.
So there you have it. I’ll give a full race report soon. We’ll see if I learned anything at my last 24 hour race.
I recently had the opportunity to speak at a church about How to Become a Spiritual Leader in the 21st Century, and why you should care…
So here’s the “why” followed by 12 things I believe 21st century leaders should be doing…
In a nutshell, because the Kingdom of God is at stake. According to churchleadership.org over 4,000 churches close each year while only 1,000 new churches are started. Every year 2.7 million church members fall into inactivity. Then depending who you talk to, many believe that one our of every 4-6 Sundays a month is now considered regular church attendance.
12 “Should’s” that I believe could help us become better Spiritual Leaders in the 21st Century. Your mileage may vary.
Should be of good character.
Should be willing to adapt.
Should be a team player.
Should understand Matthew 18 as it relates to conflict resolution.
Should become a student of church growth.
Should be in tune with their community.
Should be moving toward tithing and beyond.
Should take their church partnership (membership) vows seriously.
Should make worship invitation part of their DNA.
Should be loyal to Christ and their church.
Should never talk business before worship to staff or pastor.
Should become Aarons to your pastor and staff.
Again, your mileage may vary. Add to my list or take away. Either way I believe it’s a great start to becoming better spiritual leaders in the 21st century.